Slender Man, as you know, is a tall white figure in a sharp suit that lies in wait in the forest for unsuspecting victims to cross his path. But what happens when he gets bored of all this chasing and killing people and wants to find himself a normal life? What if he wanted to show the public he isn’t all bad and is – quite frankly – misunderstood?
After Slender Man’s latest reign of terror, he went home (wherever that is), looked in the mirror and realised that he felt thoroughly unfulfilled: killing people just wasn’t all that fun any more. So he racked his brains thinking of something to do. More creative ways of killing people, perhaps? How about going to live in a new forest? He even thought outside the box and considered something totally radical like changing his tie from a red to a green one. But none of these ideas got him excited enough and he felt quite depressed; over the next few days he didn’t go out and just moped about the house in his pants, wondering where his life was going. Then it hit him: how about trying to be a normal person, maybe even getting a wife and having some Slender babies? The thought made him very happy so the next day he got to it.
First off, Slender wanted to see if he could find himself a better place to live, surrounded by nice neighbours who would invite him round for games of Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit. There was one problem though: his appearance. Not having a face does tend to scare people, so he thought long and hard about how he would get over this; then out of the corner of his eye he saw a black marker pen on the shelf of his living room. He drew some eyes (a couple of black dots), a nose (a vertical line) and a mouth (just a horizontal slash) – Slender’s art skills left a lot to be desired, but he liked the look and so went with it.
How would YOU draw his face?
He made his way to the nearest town to look for his dream house, but with so many to choose from he just couldn’t decide. He was about to give up when he saw the perfect place: painted a brilliant white with a nice bright red door. “Hey, that kind of looks like me,” he thought to himself, “I must have it.” (Now I must point out that Slender Man has no actual money, so he knocked on the door and disposed of the residents the only way a Slender Man can, and now the house is all his). While he was mopping up the insane amount of blood, he looked around and thought to himself: “Home, sweet home.” To put his own unique stamp on the place, he drew pictures all over the walls of himself in stick-figure form and also dotted eight cryptic notes around the house (I guess old habits die hard).
Two days after Slender Man ‘moved in’, there was a knock at the door; it was Keith from next door, wondering where his old neighbours are. Slender got out of this perfectly by using his famous sense of humour and told him that they were ‘dying’ to leave the neighbourhood and offered a quick sale (he even gave a little laugh to himself). Keith was sad about this as he had arranged to go to their local and watch the game with the old owner. Slender saw this as an opportunity to make friends and so told him that he would go instead, and that night saw him going to his first ever bar.
Sure, let’s go to a bar.
As soon as they walked in Keith asked if Slender wanted a beer but he replied, “Sorry, I don’t drink.” His neighbour then suggested some food but he responded, “Sorry, I don’t eat either.” They sat down and were having a good time when both of them noticed that a rather attractive woman was checking out Slender. Keith nudged him and told him to go for it. “What do I say?” asked Slender. His friend told him not to worry and to just be himself so he walked over to this lady, stood next to her at the bar and asked her name. That was how ‘Glenda’ and Slender spent the whole night at the bar, way past the point of Keith going home. Glenda asked what her new love interest did for a living and Slender had to think on his feet, so he said he was a forest ranger and ‘helped’ people who lost their way. The two were inseparable from that night on.
Over the next couple of months the couple’s love blossomed to new heights and Slender was happy just being a normal person. He even drew a new smiley face on himself (he got so good at it he even started to draw on eyebrows). But as time passed he felt more and more guilty that Glenda didn’t know about his old life and what he really was. So one stormy night, when the two were watching their favourite programme together (Ross Kemp on Gangs), Slender told his sweetheart the truth, warts and all, about killing so many people in the forest and about him not actually being human. As you can imagine, Glenda was horrified and ran out the house into the pouring rain. Slender followed but he couldn’t see her, calling out her name to no answer. Slender walked the entire night in the rain trying to find the love of his life; his marker-pen-face was washing off but he didn’t care, he had to keep looking. He searched the town high and low and there was one place left, the bar they first met in.
Slender and Glenda still a better love story than Twilight.
Slender walked through the door and to his surprise found Glenda sitting in the corner with her favourite drink (a pint of straight gin). He sat down next to her and explained how he’s a reformed character, and all those bad things he did were because he didn’t know better. Glenda thinks about it and concludes that she’s going to stick by her man – monster, alien, or whatever he is – and they decide to get married. Fast forward three years and the happy couple have tied the knot (with Keith as the best man, of course) and had what can only be described as two weird looking babies. They even opened up their own business from home called ‘Slender Day Care’, where all of the local families would trust this great couple with looking after their kids.
